Spirituality

One of the greatest teaching acts in history is the crucified Jesus Christ forgiving his tormentors, "for they know not what they do." It was one thing for Christ to preach Love for all, including enemies, but quite another for him to demonstrate mercy while experiencing exquisite agony at the hand of those enemies. The forgiving Christ on the cross is the ultimate symbol of the healing power of compassion and understanding. While suffering unimaginable pain, he expressed selfless sympathy for his adversaries. This supreme act of unconditional forgiveness, arguably the most difficult aspect of unconditional Love, is beyond the reach of ordinary mortals. Nevertheless, we can learn how to forgive on a smaller scale and build from there.

All of us suffer the provocations of other people, and each of us has acted poorly towards others. On a small scale, we are confronted daily with minor incidents: disagreement, misunderstanding, or frank rudeness. And most of us at one time or another experience major problems from physical, mental, or sexual violence, infidelity, betrayal, rejection, abandonment, and unjust treatment.

Our natural reaction when provoked is anger and fear. These emotions are part of the fight or flight response, a built-in survival mechanism. Anger and fear are good defenses, but difficult emotions to manage. They seem to have a life of their own. Instead of intelligently guiding us to protection and safety, these feelings often become the problem. They stick to us, feed on themselves, and infiltrate our identity in counterproductive ways.

Anger smolders as resentment or expands into all-consuming rage. Unresolved anger stays in the body causing health problems, fatigue, and depression. When it becomes a tool for vengeance and punishment, it leads to escalating cycles of violence and the perpetuation of danger. Fear spirals into painful panic attacks or paranoia. In addition, painful memories and replays of traumatic events often dominate our thoughts. To rid ourselves of the pain, we may turn to self-destructive behaviors such as promiscuity or addiction. Some of us become abusive ourselves, passing our pain along to others. It seems like the wrongdoer injects us with a painful toxin, and we make it worse by responding with our own toxic thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. There appears to be no remedy.

At some point, however, we begin to realize that we are suffering not only from the original trauma, but also from our own reactions. Though we cannot control what has happened to us, we can control our response. Forgiveness, a spiritual practice taught by the great religious traditions, provides us with the antidote to the poisonous effects of the original trauma and our own toxic reactions.

Forgiveness transforms anger and resentment into understanding, compassion, and loving kindness. Forgiveness, an aspect of the soul and God and an expression of unconditional Love, is itself unconditional. It is applicable to any degree of offense or abuse.

The main reason to forgive is to rid ourselves of recycled pain resulting from the original trauma, so that we can reclaim peace of mind and enjoy life. Without forgiveness, we may stay locked up in our own emotional prison indefinitely, thus perpetuating the original insult of the wrongdoer. Fortunately, we have the power to neutralize the toxins injected by others with the medication of forgiveness. When we choose forgiveness, we give ourselves a precious gift: the return of our peace of mind.

Forgiveness does not imply weakness or passivity, nor do we deny or minimize what has happened. An evil action remains what it is: terrible, repulsive, or simply obnoxious. We do not tolerate or condone injustice, and we hold people accountable for their actions. We should not trust the wrongdoer or remain in dangerous situations. Forgiveness is managing our inner life while taking action for safety, protection, and justice in the outer world. While we heal and integrate traumatic memories inside, we take corrective action outside.

Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Reconciliation is the repair of and return to relationship with the wrongdoer. Forgiveness is the healing of the self without involving the offender. We can gain the inner peace of forgiveness without reconciliation. We cannot reconcile without some degree of forgiveness. Just as forgiveness is a choice, so is reconciliation. We do not have to reconcile.

Forgiveness is a powerful healer, greater than anger or even murderous rage. It soothes and quiets other emotions, including depression, anxiety, shame, and guilt. Forgiveness nullifies the noxious power of the offender and releases us from the prison of past trauma and our own toxic emotions. When we bathe our cells, tissues, and organs with the peace-medicine of forgiveness, we reap the benefits of the relaxation response, and our healing power expands. When we forgive, we gain strength, courage, compassion, and joy, our relationships improve, and we become more skillful at solving our problems.

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